Tuesday, April 19, 2005

The future looming large

It is difficult for me to write. As an engineer, and a produce of the Pakistani education system, my writing is geared towards commentary. My prose is jumpy at best and at worst, sounds like an op-ed piece. But compared with the other troubles of my life, its a pre-cooked meal; the instructions are easy to read, and the results are immediate. Even if it tastes banal, it fills my stomach and lessens my complaints.
The biggest issue right now is my career. Do I stay in Canada after I get my passport? Do I move? If yes, where to - The US, Pakistan or Middle East? Will I have to change careers? Can I keep my writing alive through all of this? Should I take up writing as a full-time career? Maybe I'm better off moving into real-estate... The more options I give myself, the more confusion I have to contend with, resulting in even more inaction. And a boiling point arrives, and out of desperation I act, unsure if its the right decision, or maybe not!
I know all this because I've been here before. And made bad choices, too. And that haunts me. In psycho-babble its called fear of failure, I know this but like the rest of my knowledge, this piece of information can not will itself into action. I am 'stuck in a moment that I can't get out of'.
From time to time, my mind wanders. Concerns further off dominate the immediate. I loose focus, and dwindle from one day to another. All very cliche, but I assure you, all very true.
And as all this races through my mind, I find solace in the matters of the heart. I let it rule. Solace. Such a peaceful word, it belies the emotions to a lull, until everything feels grey.
The most difficult thing to deal with is the free advice that I get. I am thankful for it, in a very uncaring manner. I listen to what people have to say, as they compare their own situation with mine, what they would do and what I should, and how it all contrasts with what I AM doing. And once the conversation is over, I let it all slide.
My parents are desperate to intervene, but post 9/11 intervention is a word colored in the negative. Plus, the fact that in the past, whenever I have followed their advice, I have hurt myself more. Nothing against them, they are wonderful people and mean all the good for their son. But, their solutions are black and white. And what am I, if not controversial!
So, on and on it goes. The deadline is around this summer. Whatever decision I make, that is the time when I have to be firmly set on my path, with no looking back. I have promised myself that I will not feel any remorse, no matter how bad it turns out. I already have enough guilt in me to last a lifetime.