Monday, February 07, 2005

Confession time

Today might be the day that all the lies that I spin around in my life, finally entangle me. I wonder, why do I tell these small white lies at the workplace? They aren't worth it, and end up causing me more trouble than they were worth in the first place.
Why was I scared of my boss? Why did I not give him the exact truth in the first place? Why did I have to find a scapegoat when I am the one who chickened out? And it wasn't even my fault. But instead of coming in with what I believed was not my fault, I spun a cockadoodle story about the misgivings and bossy behaviour of another person, tried to play the boss against a senior worker just so I could be in my own comfort zone.
The manly thing, the brave and honest thing to do now would be to accept that I lied (for whatever reason) but I don't have the guts to do that. I will keep on doing the same, insist that I have the right story, and blame one person who has no idea I am tossing his name around.
And I tell myself, this is vengeance, for some earlier shit that he gave me. Now, its my turn to play politics in the office, and get some good will going. 'Trust me, I have my reasons", I tell myself each time. But it sounds really hollow, really weak.
And as always, I promise myself that I have learned my lesson, no more comfort zone, no more bullshitting people. Lets see if Murlizee, dismissed for breaking promises he makes to other people, can keep a promise that he makes to himself.
Oh God, help me out on this one. Seriously, I could use it right now.