Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Cornered

Thats how I feel like right now. Cornered, with no way that leads out of the hell hole.
Its embarassing in a very personal way. You make rules for yourself and you live by them. But I can't. This rule-making-and-following does not work for me.
I am moved to action by three phenomenon, the first being Necessity. You might have heard of the do-it-once-do-it-best, or the put-off-till-it-bites life-style, but have u heard of the drowning-in-debt-but-dont-give-a-shit lifestyle that seems to have descended on me lately. Trust me, its exactly like Jon Stewart; when you want it to be funny, it bites.
So how does it feel to owe so much to society? It feels like shit. Honestly, I have to bear strained relationships, friends with hesitant words and calls from the collection agent of the day. I wish I had the insensitivity to bear it all, but I don't. I wish I had the strength to look them in the face, and say no, to be blunt and brutal in my apology. I know some who really deserve it.
Faith, effort, hardwork and the lottery feature high in my conversations with myself these days. Somedays I repair, somedays I maintain, somedays I hear myself lecturing me in ways not possible for anyone else.
It is brutal to be too honest with yourself. Like that quote I gave you the last time. If I were living in a void, it wouldn't be possible but I have sufficient examples of misdemeanor from society in general, that make my own crime seem belittled, somehow.
I might be living in a castle in the air, but my unconcious has turned mathematical. Every exchange that involves money is analyzed by algorithms, I cant even begin to explore. Plus, Minus and divide take center stage, while multiply (my favorite) has no real world implications.
And here's a question that bares the beast inside. How will I manage to compile fiction in this state?